I think I am back to my old self again

Droopy eyelids, eye bags waiting to explode and dark circles enclosing my left and right narrow eyes.

These past few days, I weren’t just the same person whom I used to be – laid back, passive and out of my game. I felt sorry for my self yet I can’t help but just to go on and live every day out of sync.

There are really a lot of things I would love to before the year 2011 come to a fold and if I would reevaluate my self without a bit of pretention and hypocrisy, there are certain things I come way too short in hitting my goals. As always, I am a radiating and pulsating being of cheerfulness and my never ending exuberance. But the truth is, there are a lot of times when I am about to crash, break into pieces and suck my self in despair especially when I am alone at night before going to sleep.

Do you get my point? That really shameful situation where you have to face your own self and it is just sad because there is nothing you can see. Sometimes, whenever I come across a mirror, as much as I would project that “ideal” me, but my eyes would betray my true emotion without even saying a single word.

I hate receiving text messages or quotes about never giving up because they would really strike me to the heart and that makes me feel “am I that worthless and pitiful?”

Maybe I am not just that resilient on things not going the way I want them to be – I just thought I am. Then I would scan my little coconut shell looking for answers why I cannot just live to my own expectation. And that is the more painful part of my being. I don’t really care what other people think of me but rather I am more sensitive to my own perception of my own self. Whenever I fail my self, I feel so worthless.

Thankfully, God never leave me alone and He always prepares something great for me I never ever expect. Those little blessings which are hardly noticed but are more significant than other material things one can enjoy. He did really provides and I know with His kindness I will always be safe and at peace.

I may be stressed and tired but I am happy. I know being tired and busy maximizes our chance to live a fuller and more satisfying life. Right now, it’s as if I just see from afar above the sky the bright star that guided the three magi in finding the birthplace of Jesus, I am in a sense of direction once again. I worry nothing for this time I am more mature and I’ve got the deeper wisdom I earned from previous experiences – experiences of happiness and sorrow, triumph and defeat, gain and loss, and going away and coming home.

“Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded. Why’d you have to wait, where were you, where you. Just a little late… You found me.” ~ The Fray